Kakuzu Klaus
by dead drifter
Summary: Oneshot. Being Santa is hard work. Especially when Santa's little helper is Itachi Uchiha.


**A/N: Because Christmas isn't Christmas without a little crack. **

Kakuzu Klaus and the Mall Massacre 

_'This is ridiculous...I don't get paid enough for this shi-'_ Kakuzu's internal ranting was cut short as another snot nosed, whiny, spoiled little brat was deposited on his knee. Kakuzu gathered his chakra, and took a deep, steadying breath.

"Ho, ho, ho! What's your name, little boy?"

_Sneeze. _"Udon."

Kakuzu grimaced at the rather wet sneeze. Great. You'd think Kakuzu would be used to snot by now. Apparently not.

"And what would you like for Christmas, Udon?" Kakuzu forced a smile, which the little boy didn't return. He let his snot run down his nose and when he finally wiped it with his sleeve, he smeared his sleeve on Kakuzu's scratchy red wool pants.

_Ergh. Damn it!_

"Just tell me what the hell you want and get the hell off me," Kakuzu growled. The boy blinked up at him, staring into his eyes, which, unfortunately, matched the official colors of the season.

"What's with your face, Santa?" the kid had the nerve to ask, no doubt eyeing his stitches. Kakuzu sighed. Still another seven hours of this torture to go.

"I got attacked by a Polar bear. Took Rudolph all night to find all my pieces. Now what do you want?!"

"A Polar bear? Did it hurt?"

Kakuzu ticked off all the reindeer in his head to keep from ripping the boy's head off. When the rage had subsided, Kakuzu spoke again.

"No, getting mauled by a bear feels pretty awesome."

"So...Santa, can I get a bear for Christmas?"

"...what?"

"A bear. Polar would be good. Though a Grizzly wouldn't be too bad either. Anything but a panda. I heard those things aren't even real bears." The boy sounded like he was giving away secret information. Kakuzu suddenly wished he could summon bears, teach this stupid brat a lesson.

"Oh ho ho, I don't think your parents would like a live bear in your house. Ho ho ho!"

"The bear isn't for me! It's for Konohamaru. Moegi pays more attention to him than to me! It's not fair!" Kakuzu couldn't help but chuckle. The kid was as annoying as any child under the age of _thirty_, but at least he was entertaining.

"Do you really think the kid deserves to be attacked by a bear?"

"Yes." No hesitation whatsoever.

"What the hell. A bear it is." Maybe if he could get Pein to summon one for him...this kid could use a good bear attack. To set his mind right.

"Yay, thank you, Santa!" the boy said, hugging Kakuzu (always awkward) and skipping off.

"Next," Kakuzu grunted. When his elf helper (Itachi had been volunteered for this task, Jashin help them all) brought up the next kid, Kakuzu leaned over to him.

"When's my break?" Kakuzu whispered into the Uchiha's pointed ear.

"Forty-five minutes," came the bored reply. Why Pein would offer Itachi as Kakuzu's help was anyone's guess. Kakuzu assumed Pein was high on whatever those strange candy canes of his were made of. Or perhaps that strange eye technique had gone to his head. Being around Itachi convinced Kakuzu that doujutsu rotted your brain.

"Hi!" a pink haired girl squealed, sitting on Kakuzu's lap and grinning so wide her face might crack. Kakuzu arched an eyebrow. This girl looked a bit too old for Santa. A teen at least. But retardation was common in Konoha (Kakuzu saw her forehead protector), so who was he to judge?

"Hello little girl, what's your name?"

"Sakura!" the girl said sweetly.

"Ho ho ho, well, what would you like for Christmas, Sakura?"

The girl's sugar coated smile mutated into a wicked grin. Kakuzu wondered what happened to the sweet, semi-retarded girl. What was with this demon in his lap? Sakura poked a finger into Kakuzu's chest, and it actually hurt. Holy shit, what was with Konoha these days? Akatsuki had no chance in hell if Konoha was raising an army of mentally unstable children with super human strength.

"I want Sasuke-kun, and this year, you better get him for me!"

_Oh shit._ Kakuzu chanced a glance at Itachi, who sniffed the air, turning to them.

"_Sasuke_...? Did you say..._Sasuke_?" Itachi murmured. Sakura glared at the elder Uchiha brother.

"Yes. I want him for Christmas. What's it to you?"

Kakuzu froze. There was about to be a fight...right on his lap. Itachi narrowed his red eyes.

"No wonder Santa can't get him for me," Itachi said darkly, the commas in his eyes swirling. "We ask for the same thing every year. This...is a problem."

"A problem...easily fixed," Sakura said, grinding her fist into her palm, maniacal look in her green eyes. She slid off Santa Kuzu's lap and Kakuzu fled. He ran the hell out of there, dodging the huge line of children wrapping around half the mall. There were screams, and explosions, and lots of crying, but Kakuzu paid that no heed. Let Pein clean up after the carnage Itachi left in his wake.


End file.
